Thinking of my Mom

It's been 4 years yesterday since my mom left me. Do I miss her? Yes, Indeed. Although when she was with us, I have stayed like 6 months without calling or talking to her. One fine day she left me, leaving me to live in guilt for the rest of my life. 3 Years later my Dad died of cancer as well. Some time while am at work, thoughts of them haunt me, but the feeling that i cannot do anything about it hurts me more.

Everything, when i think back looks more like pre planned . The timings although its surprising fits the timeline by all means. I miss my mom for things like To force me to do certain things which I love to do it that way, To wake me up when i oversleep etc.

I had never said I love you mom - ever. I'd never kissed her, coz she always kisses me.
She kissed me when she saw me the last time, she cried briefly for some reason- may be she would've known.

She is a very hard worker and never found time for herself. She never regretted for that but wanted her children to prosper and then she wanted to visit places and have fun.

She used to get agitated sometime which we found annoying but now being a parent my self, I am certain that she is better than I. She loved my brother and I very much. She equally loved her siblings.

If I had her seen my Son and if she had visited us in US, if she had been there on my brother's wedding- we would have been very much happier. But if I dad had passed on before she did, she would have been very upset. May be its part of God's plan. I could not understand them all, I know its for the best, other ways it would have more upsetting but i cannot take it this way.

Every year may be, I would miss her less. My momory getting poor would indicate that i would miss her less. I have a family to take care, a Son to suck my time. But i will miss my mom in times when i need some one to accept me as i am without any prejudices.

"IF I HAVE A SECOND CHANCE I WILL NOT DO THE SAME MISTAKE AGAIN".
Is a terrible lie, I had my second chance when i know that my Dad had a terminal 4th stage lung cancer, i was still holding on my ego and smart brains and didnt give enough care that my dad deserved. So as Jesus said even if angels/people from Heaven decend and inform us about the TRUTH, we human with free will- will not change.

I miss my mom and dad. I feel loneliness- somtimes. I love my wife and my kid. I beleive in Jesus. I have lot to say. I dont know what. ok, Goto go- Wednesday gathering.